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Nov. 29th, 2012

Moving out!!

Finally! Next weekend! PRAISE THE LORD!!!! I've been waiting about 8 years for this moment and its finally happening. Sarah, our dog, my cat and I will be moving into our first apartment. Its beautiful, spacious and in an awesome neighborhood near my school and all the stores. I can't even explain how perfect this is going to be.
We just went today to look at the place, and ended up being approved for it within the hour. (Seriously.) My parents co-signed for it, I'M SO EXCITED. No more of her parents bitching. No more of my loud house. No more being told what to do. No more of her moms psychotic episodes.
Of course her mother is throwing a bitch fit about it, but I could care less. We have waited out entire relationship to get away from our famalies and now we are finally doing it. 


Nov. 7th, 2012


Also, Starting this month I've been off my anti depressants and anxiety meds for the first time since I was 13. I'm 20 now so it's been a LONG TIME COMING. I'm dealing with everything extremely well. So many changes have been happening...

So lets just say a lot of shit has been going on...

The short version is that Sarah and I are moving out, and we found a dream house that we are waiting on to hopefully be ours. 
Yeah, big change from when I last wrote a few weeks ago. But the thing is, we are so miserable at home. So we've decided to move out, but to keep saving up for Canada. We decided that its better to move out and work hard to be happy the whole year, instead of staying home to go on vacation once a year to only be happy for a week. it will take a little longer to save for vacations now but we are still determined :).
Part of me is like:
 Because this house is beautiful and perfect for a starter house. 

But on the other hand, Sarah and I both nervous because one of us is going to have to get a second job. Her mom is being a royal douche about the whole thing as expected. 

Oh...did I mention I can't bring my cat? Yeah, I have to leave her with my sister. My cat loves her and spends hours of time with my sister every day but still. I'm heart broken. I hope she understands. I want to move out and take her but no landlord wants a cat. It sucks that I have to put aside traveling, only having one job and my cat for my happiness. It shouldn't have to be that way.

This whole thing is SO bittersweet.

Oct. 14th, 2012

Things are moving so fast.

Well, I am really second guessing being a teacher. Even more than I was before. I just have to see if I can handle the biology career. (My math skills are HORRIBLE). And when I say horrible I mean that right now I understand math at a middle school level. With biology I would have to take a ton of chemistry classes. So I want to see if I work hard enough and have enough tutoring if I will be able to know it. I know it will be one of the hardest and most frustrating things I will have done in my life so far, but I really think wildlife biology is a career that I would love. So next semester I'll still have early childhood ed as my major but I'll also have biology as a minor..I'm going to have to work my ass off like I've never done before. I hope I can do this!

In other news, family therapy is so hard. So, so hard. But its moving along. My parents are finally starting to realize the affect they have on us and my little brothers. I hope that it isn't too late for things to change. I don't want them to grow up the way I did. My  step dad still makes up bullshit excuses in therapy for why things happen, but the therapist dosen't let him get away with it. I know that it's hard to change behaviors when you've been a certain way your whole life, but I feel like when it comes to family change should never be a question when their happiness is involved.

Also, we decided to save the Europe trip for another year. I know it was such a bargain because we would be going with my school, but we chose not to do this because they create a rigirous 11 day schedule for you. On the trip you get no free time and you have to go to all the places on their schedule in order to get credit. If I'm going to spend $4,500 on a trip then I want to be free when I'm doing it. So we decided to go to Canada instead, which is something we've wanted to do for awhile now. We are just going to make it into one giant road trip, spending some time in Ontario and some time in Quebec. We've all ready started saving and Sarah is trying to pick up a second job so that were able to have enough money. I'm really excited because this will be our first trip out of the country together when were by ourselves. Our families have taken us on lots of trips, and we love them and are thankful for it, but they can be sooo stressful. When its just her and I then everything is so relaxed and happy<3.

So far these are the huge things going on in my life right now. Besides Sarah's family issues which are even bigger than my own for once. I can't even tell you how many times we just want to move away because our families cause so much heartache and stress for us. But right now we are going to suck it up and focus on traveling because we don't want to lose our dreams like a lot of people do as they get older.

Oct. 3rd, 2012

Update on life :)

SO! A huge amount of things have been going on.
First order of business: 
I'm going to school for a degree in early childhood education. But my love for the environment has me wanting to do other jobs also. I'm thinking wildlife conservation. I'm still not sure which I want to do more yet, so I decided that next semester I'm going to do a dual major of Early Childhood Education and Biology. Then at my next school for my bachelor's degree I'll continue my education degree (if I still like it just as much) and continue with the science career and major in something to do with wildlife. I'M SO EXCITED!

Second thing: On Monday we are going to family therapy again. I am about to drop a bomb on my parents about all the things I've been writing about lately. I have no idea how this is going to go. But things are getting serious. Sarah's family is just as bad as mine, and in the exact same way too. We both developed anxiety and co dependency from it and it sucks. I want to go to co dependent anonmyous meeting but Sarah says they are too far away (we barley ever have money for gas.)

Third order of business:Sarah and I have been in love with the idea of moving upstate when were done with school. I told her I want to finish school before we move and that she still has to choose a career. If we are going to move 5 hours away from home then we better have stable careers.

Fourth: We are really struggling to save for that school trip to Germany and Austria. I REALLY want to go. If I do get to go it would be amazing, and I get college credits for it. But things with money are not looking so good right now. If we can't save up enough I still want to take off for spring break and go somewhere upstate. Or maybe even Canada would be cool. Even for just a few days because its not too far from where I am now.

Sep. 26th, 2012

Tired&New Job update

So I'm sick right now. I'm missing school for the first time today which is upsetting me because I get so anxious about it. I'm also tired and have been emotional lately because of the normal things that have been going on in my family since the beginning of time. I'm getting tired of being strong and being a hero all the time. For once I just want to go home to a normal family and be happy. I hate my step dad more and more every day. And people older than me don't seem to get it that I dislike him for a huge amount of reasons. Not just because no one likes their step dad. He is such a coward, such a piece of garbage without feeling. 
It's funny that my step brother (his son) is getting kicked out for the same reason. My mom hates him and she dosen't see that shes married to the person with the exact same personality. My step dad deserves Mike as a son, so he knows what its like to be discusted and disappointed with someone and you can't do anything about it. Usually I am so peaceful, and I never have a bad intention toward anyone. But I have never, ever, in my life had such negative emotions toward someone. I have never met such a cruel, cold person. Such a liar who preys on people weaker than him and takes joys in people's unhappiness. Fuck him.

In other not so exciting news. Work is good, my hours suck though, I hope they get better. I really need to save money for the Europe trip in March. I want to be excited for it but there is a long winter ahead and something tells me living at home with my parents wonw't make it any shorter.

Sep. 15th, 2012

First Day

My first day was allright. I think I did okay for a beginner. Some of the things I have to learn seem really complicated but everyone seems really helpful. I'm trying not to mess up too much and embaress myself though. A few people that I work with know that I'm gay because someone asked me aboust my engagement ring. I planned on keeping it a secret but I figured that even if people are gossiping about me at work I'm not there to make friends anyway. The girls I met so far seem cool and really nice. Not too gossipy but I'm going to watch what I say around them from now on because they do talk about the other workers.
Me and Sarah were supposed to go to the Renaissance Faire today but she had some family issues so now we can't go :/. We also can't make it tommorrow because I have work and then later we are celebrating my great grandma's 94th birthday.
Another thing is that my friend made some post on facebook about how we should just bomb the whole middle east and stop giving them foreign aid. SO i commented that not everyone in the middle east is a bad person and that they can't help where they are born and who their leaders are. Which prompted him to say this: unfortunately someones gotta ruin it for everyone otherwise no one will ever learn..consequences are a part of life and when you take the life of an innocent ambassador and a few other innocent people ..then march through the streets yelling fuck america..now tell me why these assholes should continue to be helped at our expense when we as a country are in trillions of dollars of debt ..hmm seem like a win win if we stop aid " 
And I agreed with that. Until he said this: sorry if my post offend the weak n faint hearted ..not really
What the fuck? I HATE when people talk to me like this. And its always guys who say it. I am not weak hearted.
 Other than that not much is going on besides I'm waiting for a day where we can go to our therapist as a family again. We've been needing to go for weeks but he lives 2 hours away and we all have opposing schedules in my house. It sucks to have to hold in everything I want to say but the only time my parents listen to a word I say is in tehrapy. And they don't really even stick with their promises. I just hope that work starts going well so me and Sarah can travel and move out soon. Even though I will just feel guilty about leaving home anyway :/.

Sep. 14th, 2012


Red Lobster is an awesome place to work for. I can get full health, vision and dental benefits even as a part tuime employee and the pay is awesome considering I'll be just standing there greeting people. I'M SO EXCITED. When I went in yesterday I didn't start my job training yet, I just signed a bunch of things and made my schedule for this week and next week. My manager seems really serious but so nice and understanding. My first day of training starts tommorrow at 11:30. Finally Sarah and I can start to talk about traveling again.
I'm very excited because for Spring Break my school is having a trip to Belgium and Turkey for 11 days for less than $3000! That is unheard of!! For some people that is a huge amount of money, and it is to me too. But for being in Europe in 2 countires for almost two weeks that is very cheap. Even though my life isn't perfect right now at least I have my job and this trip to be excited about.
However, last night I cried to Sarah again and I feel so bad. I'm getting so tired of how my parents are treating my siblings and seeing how it effects them. I try so hard to change everything and to be better parents for them than my parents are but its not working. I know I should be worrying about my own life but I'm not like that. I can't just move out and accept that my siblings are being treated like crap by my parents. I resent them so much for it.

Sep. 13th, 2012


Today is my first day of work. Ever. And I'm 20 years old. I know, its pathetic but it couldnt be helped because of my issues with walking. Now that I'm healed from surgery I am SO EXCITED. And now me and Sarah can think about moving out together or just traveling. Oh yeah, were not on a break anymore. I hope shes serious about being responsible this time because I allready have so much other stress -_____-.
Well, work starts at 4 pm, I'll write how it goes later on.

Sep. 9th, 2012


and I got hired at Red Lobster. I've wanted/needed a job for years but working would have been hard for me with my feet issues. Now that I'm all healed from surgery I'm so thankful and excited to have a job. But now everything else sucks. I'm not usually this negative but its really really hard to be positive in times like this :/.

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